Dateline: March 18th, 2015
I apologize for the tardiness of my words, loyal readers of mine, as a conflagration of certain personal proclivities and the lack of available advertising revenue for your venerable local rag prevented me from my usual timely coverage of the Biggest Spectacle In Our Fair Favorite Footballin’ Pastime. So, without further adieu (adieu adieu adieu, to you and you and you… except I hope not! I need what these young bosses of mine call “page views”, and it has nothing to do with that pen camera I gave Woody back in the day!), I bring to you the best local coverage of the 2015 Super Bowl in the greater Quad Cities area (Iowa side) in our great United States.
The day started, as did all great event viewing ones do in my humble abode, with a half a pound of the finest Angus ribeye the meat department at the neighborhood HyVee had to offer, three eggs, a huge honking healthy heap of hashbrowns, and a glass of the finest of the Vermeil Wines still in the cabinet (and, yes, I’ve requested more, but my good friend Dicky hasn’t returned my daily voicemails in a while). The Bouncey Bottle Blonde suggested I mix in something green and leafy, but I don’t cotton to her attempts to alter tradition, so I politely informed her of my lack of acceptance and reminded her of our other Big Game Tradition (nudge nudge; more on that in a bit).
After that I settled in to make some pregame calls to get the consensus and the background on the game from the players from the trenches.
“Uh, well, Seattle is playing New England,” said Bobby Dubanowski, offensive lineman on the Lions’ practice squad, formerly of the Patriots, Kansas City, and Jacksonville practice squads, “It looks like it’ll be a good game. You know, a couple of real good teams, right there, uh huh.”
I pressed him a little more, since he’s one of those grimy, sweaty bulldozers that knows the ins and outs of the real trench warfare happening in the games: what was this game going to come down to?
“It sure seems to me like it’s a matter of, can the Seahawks offense stop the New England defense?” he pondered, taking a long moment to find the answer to his own question, “I’m not sure, really,” he helpfully added.
What about the linemen battles? “Oh, yeah, that’s gonna be something. Have you seen the guys who make the starting team? Huge guys. Great guys. Real men, you know? It’s gonna be good, right there, uh huh.”
Charged with insider knowledge, I poured myself another glass, grabbed the trusty pen and paper, and kicked out the lay-z-boy footrest to get into the game. The pre-game coverage had wrapped up, and the great Star Spangled Banner was about to be echoed to the heavens from the lungs of an angel. I closed my eyes to soak it fully in.
I woke up midway through the second quarter, and we sure had a good game going! That Marshall Lynch is a real beast–he definitely needs his own nickname! And that Roland Gronkowski sure seems like a throwback to the ham and egger journeymen of the past–all work and no play! With those hands, he could deliver a baby and tie the tubes all in one motion!
Soon came halftime, and that was one talented NFL cheerleader they had performing. I wonder what contest she won to be able to put on that show, and I hope they promote her talents elsewhere! She has a real future ahead of her.
I was sure the game was over during the third quarter and that the Seahawks had won–why I completely forgot about the fourth quarter is beyond me. Thankfully, the Bouncy Blonde Bombshell reminded me that our Big Game Ritual only happened during the last few minutes.
And what a last few minutes it was! That Lynch was practically in the end zone as deep as my Blonde Bababooey’s finger was up my alternate happy universe, and she was working the flagpole as hurriedly as the Seahawks got back to the line. When that game-ending interception happened, I clenched so hard and fast the resulting yogurt explosion damn near gave my Big Blonde Babaloo glaucoma! What a finish–in all ways!
Spent from such an action filled game, I had no choice but to finish that bottle of wine and bask in the glow of the post-game coverage. This, truly, was the best Super Bowl of the year.
That’s it from me, loyal fans of football fanaticism! Soon the offseason trades and signings will be in full swing, and your trusted local beat reporter Bud Winston will be there, will all the coverage you need!