Thank You For Calling Illegal Aid

Interviewer: Hello, thank you for calling Illegal Aid, how can I help you?

Caller: Hi! I’m so glad I got through, I was on the line forever.

Interviewer: Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that. We do have a lot of people looking for help, and sometimes it can take a while to get through. What can I help you with?

Caller: I need help robbing a bank. There’s a three-inch steel vault door and–

Interviewer: I’m sorry to cut you off. I just want to make sure I heard you correctly. Did you say you’re going to rob a bank?

Caller: Yeah.

Interviewer: Okay, great! That’s something we may be able to help you with. I’ll get all of the details from you here in a few minutes, but first of all, what county are you in?

Caller: Well, I’m in Houston.

Interviewer: Oh, okay, probably Harris County. Well, I’m sorry. Unfortunately, that is out of our service area.

Caller: What do you mean?

Interviewer: You’ll have to call Texas Gulf Coast Illegal Aid. They handle crimes in that area. If you give me a moment, I can get you the number. Do you mind holding?

Caller: No.

Interviewer: Great, just a minute. [punches mute] Hey, what’s the number for Texas Gulf Coast?

Supervisor: It’s 1-800-555-2323.

Interviewer: Thanks! [punches mute] It’s 1-800-555-2323. Good luck with your robbery! [hangs up, picks up again] Hello, thank you for calling Illegal Aid, how can I help you?

Caller: Yeah, hi, I need some help, hopefully you can help me.

Interviewer: Well, all right, what county are you in?

Caller: San Saba County.

InterviewerGreat, sounds like you’ve called the right place. And can you tell me briefly, without getting into too many of the details, what you’d like our help with?

Caller: I need to commit some auto insurance fraud.

Interviewer: All right, I’m going to need to check on something for that. Do you mind if I put you on hold?

Caller: Okay, that’s fine.

Interviewer: Great, just a second. [punches mute] Hey, I’ve got another one of those auto insurance fraud things.

Supervisor: Yeah, that’s going to be a conflict of interest. We’re already helping all the insurance companies.

Interviewer: Right, thanks. [punches mute] Hey, I’m sorry, but my supervisor says we’ve got a conflict of interest. You see, the laws governing the Illegal Services Corporation prevent us from taking on clients with adverse interests.

Caller: Well, you’re Illegal Aid. Can’t you just break those laws?

Interviewer: [punches mute] Fucking smartass. [punches mute] I’m afraid not. I’m sorry we weren’t able to help you, but good luck with your fraudulent claim and have a great day! [hangs up, picks up again] Hello, thank you for calling Illegal Aid, how can I help you?

Caller: My landlord is threatening to evict me. He says I’m behind on my rent, but I’ve been paying every month on the first. Can you guys help me out?

Interviewer: Very possibly! We get a lot of cases like this. What county are you in?

Caller: I’m in Bell County.

Interviewer: Great! Now, for eligibility purposes, I need to know about your household income.

Caller: Well, I make eleven bucks an hour. I work forty hours a week. Is… is that all you need?

Interviewer: Fantastic. It looks like we’ll be able to get you some help, or at least some advice. Now, how would you like your landlord killed?

Caller: What?

Interviewer: For example, would you like him shot? Hanged? Would you like a pipe bomb placed in his office?

Caller:

Interviewer: Decapitated? Poisoned? Decapitated and then poisoned?

Caller:

Interviewer: Hit by a car?

Caller:

Interviewer: Are you still there?

Caller: Uh, I just wanted a lawyer.

Interviewer: Oh, right!  You need Legal Aid. You’ve called Illegal Aid. [punches mute] Hey, what’s the number for Legal Aid?

Supervisor: It’s 1-800-555-6000.

Interviewer: Thanks! [punches mute] You’ll want to call Legal Aid at 1-800-555-6000. Thank you for calling Illegal Aid, and please forget you ever talked to us!

[A police officer enters, followed by another man.]

Officer: [to interviewer] Would you mind stepping away from your desk for a moment?

Interviewer: What’s this about, officer? I’m not doing anything wrong. This is an Illegal Aid office! All of this is perfectly illegal!

Officer: I’m not here about your work. I understand you’ve been repeatedly assaulting this gentleman without the slightest provocation on his part. Isn’t that right, sir?

Other Man: [nods, smiles, waves, pantomimes being trapped in a box]

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