Ladies and gentlemen, he’s back. Timothiah Josiah Tebox IV, late of ESPN’s ball-cleaning division, has been signed, as an NFL player, by the National Football League’s Philadelphia franchise, Chip Kelly and the Other Guys. What will this do for the nation at large? How will this affect what will surely be a championship run in Philly, where nothing ever goes wrong for any sports team? We took to the streets to ask various Philadelphia residents what they thought.
“I dunno what the F*%^*_(*^*(&^^((*k that moron Chip is thinkin’,” says self-professed Sal “Biggest Eagles Fan In Philly I’ll Kick Your Ass” Philantonionitolini. “First he trades McCoy fer some islander linebacker, then Tebow? This guy couldn’t general manage his way out of a paper bag! Unless they win. Then he’s a genius and I’ll defend him to my death at an early age from cheesesteak poisoning.”
Other fans were happier about the news that Tebow would be returning to the NFL. “The lord has heard all of my prayers, and brought his representative on Earth back into the fold!” says Abiligenia Fundenblasten. “We have prayed, night and day, for the return of our lord and savior, Tim Tebow. He hath risen from the grave of collegiate broadcasting to reclaim his place as quarterback who hath defeated the Steelers that one time. We have lost so many things recently, with our rights to hate whoever we want being slowly stripped away and our power to force people to be Christians at an all-time low, we needed to see the return of the messiah.”
While we hesitate to declare him the savior of Philadelphia, or an immediate bust, the fact that he is unable to throw a football like a human being doesn’t say good things for his future prospects.