If you follow me on Twitter, you may or may not know that I recently celebrated my birthday, and that I’m in the midst of planning myself a party to celebrate the fact that I’ve made it 26 years without electrocuting myself to death while trying to plug my phone charger in.

After asking my friends for help finding a suitable hosting apartment and making all the necessary arrangements (making a Facebook event, adding pictures to the Facebook event, forgetting to invite people to the Facebook event, worrying if I invited everybody to the Facebook event), I had a thought.

Since Budweiser claims to be #UpForWhatever in their ads, why not ask them for some help sponsoring my party?

Yo @Budweiser I hear you’re #upforwhatever so can u sponsor my birthday party next wk? btw if you don’t I’ll tell ppl ur not #upforwhatever

— Sam Greszes (@SamGreszeseses) May 4, 2015

My demands were simple. My friends are pretty easygoing people, so we wouldn’t need much. Just some entertainment and all the Budweiser MixxTails we could drink. Maybe a promo T-shirt or coozie or two, but that was totally optional.

@Budweiser we will need unlimited budweiser mixx tails, a live dj, and international recording star Josh Groban — Sam Greszes (@SamGreszeseses) May 4, 2015

These tweets were sent six days before the party was scheduled to take place, plenty of time to make the necessary arrangements and make sure that Mr. Groban has an hour or two free to make an appearance. That said, to coordinate all the moving parts effectively, they would need to get in touch with me ASAP to ensure the party would be perfect.

Fast forward to now. I have heard nothing from either the @Budweiser or the @BudLight twitter accounts. Presumably whoever is doing their social media has seen my tweets and is actively ignoring them, just like they ignore everybody else, seeing as neither account follows anybody else on twitter. Arrogant pricks.

Anheuser-Busch has had ample time to respond to my request. They have failed. My hand has been forced.

Budweiser, I hereby proclaim that you, and by extension all employees of Budweiser, Bud Light, or indeed the Anheuser-Busch corporation are not #UpForWhatever and are, in fact, boring pissbaby liarfrauds who like ruining birthday parties.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. The power of manufactured and crowdsourced internet rage has been used for ill in the past– let’s use it toward a noble end for once: Getting me and my friends drunk as f*ck on sh*tty alcohol. Tweet at @Budweiser and @BudLight using the hashtags #BoringPissbabyLiarFrauds and #PleaseSponsorRFDsBirthdayPartyOK and let’s make this happen. #It’sDinosaursBirthdayTime.

It’s not too late, Bud. You can make this right, but the clock is ticking. The party’s on Saturday. If I don’t hear from you soon, I’ll have to take my business to @MillerLite, and see if they’ll send Pitbull over so my friends and I can all ¡dale! together.




17 thoughts on “FUCK BUDWEISER!!

  1. This is just like that time I wanted pony rides for my birthday but my dad got drunk and was sprawled out naked on the picnic table when all the guests arrived and got arrested for exposing himself to minors and then it turned out he forgot to call in the pony rides and then I got sad.


  2. I hope the “whatever” that Bud is up for is not shutting down this beloved oasis of dick jokes as a retreat from the other beloved oasis of slightly different dick jokes.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Instead of a live DJ or celebrity entertainer you should have asked for a celebrity bartender, like Darren Sharper or Dave Meggett or Bill Cosby.

    Liked by 1 person

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