[INT, NFL Headquarters]
GOODELL: No, no…it’s just…Peter…listen to me…STOP CRYING! [takes breath] It’s in the past, it really is. Just, next time, please wash your hands first. With soap. Thoroughly. All right. Yes. Of course, Peter, I won’t be restricting your access to nuggets one iota.
[hangs up phone]
GOODELL: [under his breath] As far as your access to buffalo wings is concerned though, that’s a different story…
GOODELL: Yes Norma?
NORMA: Sir, Ted Wells is here to see you.
GOODELL: Ah, excellent, please send him in.
[door opens at a perfectly reasonable rate]
GOODELL: Ah, Ted, thanks for coming. Have a seat. This deflated balls thing has been a thorn in my ass ever since those crybaby Colts started whining about it, and Bob Kraft doesn’t think it’s going away on its own, so we’re going to have to do an investigation.
WELLS: I’ll get a rug and a broom, sir.
GOODELL: No, we can’t go down that road again after that Ray Rice fiasco. We’re actually going to have to do some [glances at cheat sheet from lawyer] “due diligence” with this one. You’re going to have to interview some of the Patriots personnel. Bob tells me that of his employees, any individual will either tell the truth all the time, or he will lie about EVERYTHING. You’ll need to figure out which of them to talk to so you can get the full story.
WELLS: I’ll do my best, sir. [stands up to leave]
GOODELL: Oh, and Ted? I don’t want to hear about your findings until AFTER the draft. If I have to take some draft picks away from the Patriots, I want to make sure they have most of the offseason plus an entire season plus the entire free agency period to make adjustments to account for any kind of punishment.
WELLS: Understood, sir.
[INT, PATRIOTS FACILITY]
WELLS: Gentlemen, thanks for your time. I’ll only need to speak to one of you and the rest of you will be able to get back to your jobs.
TAWWMMMY FROM QUINZEE: WHAT THE FACK IS THIS FACKING GAHBAGE?
[buys jersey of the first white player the Patriots took in the 2015 draft]
TAWWMMMY FROM QUINZEE: FACK THE FACKING YANKEES. GO SAWKS!
[finds half-finished Twisted Tea on window sill, drinks it]
TAWWMMMY FROM QUINZEE: [incomprehensible Boston-accented gibberish]
[leaves work early to go buy advance tickets for the Entourage movie]
WELLS: I’m sorry, I didn’t understand a single word of what that man just said. Especially the last part.
JIM MCNALLY: He said that he’ll never tell you the truth about what happened with the footballs. I can help you out, though.
JOHN JASTREMSKI: Jim is lying – that’s not what Tawwmmmy said at all! Talk to me, I’m one of the only honest guys around here.
Who should Ted Wells speak to for answers about what REALLY happened?