Inspired by my insinuation that Marissa Mayer’s fingerprints were all over Yahoo’s incomprehensible decision to shell out $20 million to broadcast a game between two terrible teams that was already being shown in the local markets (I personally don’t believe Marissa had anything to do with it), I thought I’d prepare a practice SAT exam featuring some our favorite NFL personalities. Enjoy!
1. Ryan Leaf’s fingerprints : every pill bottle in every bathroom medicine cabinet of everyone he ever visited socially ::
a.) Antonio Cromartie’s fingerprints : condom wrapper
b.) Vince Young’s fingerprints : the textbook for any class at the University of Texas
c.) Darrius Heyward-Bey’s fingerprints : any football that has been thrown in his direction
d.) Andrew Luck’s fingerprints: an electrical appliance
e.) Bill Belichick’s fingerprints : your mom’s uterus
2. Terrell Suggs : Pygocentrus nattereri ::
a.) Drew Brees : a wooly bear caterpillar
b.) Norv Tuner : the moon
c.) Jeff Baca : a Christmas ham
d.) Michael Strahan : the 2002 Houston Texans offensive line
e.) Philip Rivers : a Helium-Cadmium metal vapor laser
Match the NFL player with the song he performed during KSK’s annual Khristmas Party karaoke:
a.) “Baby, it’s Cold Outside”
b.) “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
c.) “Carol of the Bells”
d.) “Home for the Holidays”
e.) “Silent Night”
3. Tony Romo –
4. Donte’ Stallworth –
5. Derrick Coleman –
6. Darren Sharper –
7. Wes Welker –
O.J. Simpson will forever be associated with the white Bronco he rode in while leading police in a low-speed chase through Los Angeles. Match the vehicle with the NFL personality based on its association with their immoral and/or illegal acts:
a.) Cadillac Escalade
b.) 1999 Ford Econoline Van
c.) Toyota 4Runner
d.) Dodge Ram 1500 Pickup Truck
e.) Ice Cream Truck
8. Aaron Hernandez –
9. Brad Childress –
10. Rob Ryan –
11. Kellen Winslow Jr. –
12. Cam Newton –
13. Which of the following TV show concepts was pitched to Hollywood executives as a potential series:
a.) Silverado – James Harrison stars as a talking gorilla that solves crimes in the American Southwest.
b.) Root, Tree, and Branch – Mike Glennon explores his family history, which leads him all the way back the African veldt.
c.) Webb of Deceit – A.J. McCarron participates in the planning of his upcoming wedding to fiancée (and former Miss Alabama) Katherine Webb, but soon learns that things aren’t quite what they seem.
d.) Decker? I hardly know her! – mismatched roommates Eric and Ray attempt to navigate a series of dating adventures in Brooklyn.
e.) The Cooler – former NFL tight end Chris Cooley visits exotic bars in relaxing vacation spots around the globe.
PENCILS DOWN! THAT MEANS YOU, FAVRE!
Highlight for answers:
13. c (sort of; I’m not sure if a name was ever selected but none of the footage aired)