US President Barack Obama did not speak Tuesday at a press conference reporting the progress of G7 talks and outlining the key priorities of the organization’s member nations. In particular, he did not emphasize the G7 leaders’ shared commitment to containing Russia and isolating and defeating former Vikings quarterback and current Oakland Raider Christian Ponder.
“The G7 is more than just a league of leading economies; it is a community of nations that share important values and stands up for them, and that means opposing militarism and aggression, as well as unforced, inexplicable turnovers, by any means necessary,” Obama did not say.
“Let me be clear,” Obama did not add. “The misguided and reprehensible decisions of these actors harm them, as well as the world community. Russia’s economy is in deep recession, and Christian Ponder is an international fugitive welcome only in the pariah state of the Oakland Raiders. I have called on the leadership of the Raiders before, and I do so emphatically again here today, to repudiate Ponder and his publicly-stated position, tragically backed by action, of being fucking terrible.
“My colleagues and I of the G7 know that the world faces many great challenges,” Obama did not further say. “Though the darkest days of the Great Recession are behind us, the global economy is still not growing as quickly as we would like, nor serving all of our people as well as we know it must. In such times of challenge, we must bind together, unified, in the face of illegal expansionism and throwing long floaters despite there being two safeties back and the nickel underneath.
“And the nickel underneath!” Obama did not add for emphasis, startling the already wary and increasingly mystified press corps.
“To be fair, it’s not like we haven’t goddamn tried,” Obama did not continue, holding his face in his hands. “We’ve sanctioned Russia as far as international law allows, and if I’ve ordered Ponder arrested once, I’ve ordered it a hundred times. A thousand! To no avail! Habeas corpus, they tell me! HABEAS MY BALLSACK! The man is a menace, the worst thing to come slouching out of a swamp since the Creature from the Black Lagoon! He’s like what would have happened if instead of letting Beowulf kill him, the people of Heorot had taught Grendal how to take a snap.
“Jesus Fuck,” Obama did not go on to say, as the press corps began to wonder if this was some elaborate test of their journalistic integrity. “How does it make us look in the eyes of the world when one of the thirty-two franchises in our national sport still pays hundreds of thousands of dollars to a grown man who shits his own bed? I’m not saying it’s treason, but I’m not NOT…
“Look,” Obama did not continue to a press corp now certain they were watching an impostor while the real President Obama laughed at their discomfort from a hidden location. “I understand that every position has its constraints, even – especially – President of the United States. I can’t just up and order a punitive bombing campaign against Russia, or the Raiders, though god knows it’s the only language they understand. But hear me on this: I, and the leaders of the nations here with me, reserve the right to use every element at our disposal – including military force – to contain the spread of Russia against Ukraine and to keep Christian Ponder from ever starting a professional football game again. One is a senseless violation of the laws of common decency and respect for public and private property, not to say the cherished culture, language, and traditions of a proud, independent nation, and the other endangers Ukrainians.
“In closing, I call upon Vladimir Putin to exercise the restraint and responsibility incumbent upon his position, and for Christian Ponder to crawl into a dark room and weep for the shame he has brought upon himself, his family, and his country. I will now take no questions. Thank you.”